SOUND: TOUCHTONE dialing

SUSAN’S VOICEMAIL

SUSAN'S OFFICE VOICEMAIL

You've reached the office of Professor Neil Duncan at Pearson University Department of Literature. Please leave a message at the tone. Or, to reach his assistant Susan Tompkins, press "2" now.

JILL

Hi, my name is Jill Roland, and I'm in town for Professor Duncan's writing conference this weekend. I was hoping I could maybe schedule an appointment with him. I'm sure he'd never remember, but, um, he was my teacher about fifteen years ago -- just before his first best-seller. I just published my own first novel – well, e-published, actually -- and I mention him in the Acknowledgements. I wanted to give him a signed copy personally. I can be reached on my cell phone at 917-555-2632.

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

JILL'S CELL VOICEMAIL

Hi, this is Jill, at 917-555-2632. I'm either taking another call or not in a position to pick up at the moment. Please leave a message.

SUSAN

Ms. Roland, this is Susan Tompkins, Professor Duncan's assistant. Unfortunately, Professor Duncan is booked solid for the next couple of weeks. However, he’s the guest of honor at a formal reception tomorrow night sponsored by the Ladies Literary Society. He might be able to find a moment or two for you then during the meet-and-mingle period before dinner. You can find details at www.litchicks.com. I believe the cover for non-members is two-hundred-fifty dollars. Good luck -- and congratulations on your book.

CATHY’S VOICEMAIL

CATHY'S MACHINE

This is Cathy. Leave a message.

JILL

Hey, Cath, it's me. Guess what? Professor Duncan -- that really special teacher from college I may have mentioned once or twice over the years -- well, turns out he's a speaker at the conference -- small world, huh? -- and he heard that I was going to be there, and I got a special invitation to a formal reception for him tomorrow night. I'm going to wear that dress, by the way. The one you said I'd never have the courage to be seen in. Of course, that was before I lost all the weight. But don't tell Ted, okay? Wish me luck. Talk soon.

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

CATHY

Hey, Jill -- Cath. Wow! What can I say except: you rock, girl! Just, you know ... be careful. Ted's really been patient with your book thing and your personal journey thing, and if he thought you were ... getting into some other thing -- well, it's your life. I know this is probably like a thing for you, and you need to get it out of your system. Hey, we all go through it. But don't you think it would be kind of a drag if you lost Ted over a fantasy that should have stayed a fantasy? But, hey, I support you in whatever. So, yeah, good luck. Have fun at the party tonight! Bring me back a cute guy.

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

TED

Hey, babe, it's me. Really miss you. Hope you're having fun -- or learning -- or whatever you're doing all the way out there. What's the time difference anyway? One hour or two? I can never remember. Umm, the cat knocked over a plant and I can't find the dust-buster. Call me, okay? Loveya.

TED’S VOICEMAIL

JILL

(Trying not to sob)

Ted? It's in the bathroom cabinet, next to the cleaning stuff. I'm having a -- well -- it's been a thought-provoking weekend. And you know when you said we should get married, I think I'm ready to talk about it some more. Okay, 'bye for now. And it's two hours difference -- I can't wait to get home. Oh, shit. My plane ticket. Where's my damn plane ticket? It was in my briefcase, and – but – oh, no. Oh, God…

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

This is Neil Duncan. Leave a message.

SUSAN

Neil – Susan. Checked like you asked. According to the attendance log, the crazy woman from the party last night – your "authoress" who got drunk and sick all over the lobby – well, she never showed for the conference today. Either she has the hangover from hell or she was too embarrassed to show her face. My guess is both. Meanwhile, her stuff is here --what are we supposed to do with it? Try to get some sleep tonight, there’s that thing tomorrow. You don’t have to wear a tie, just a jacket, preferably clean this time, okay?

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

NEIL

Message for Jill Roland, Neil Duncan here. It was very ... interesting to become reacquainted with you again last night at the reception. It was unfortunate that there apparently was some … how shall I put it … misinterpretation. But as I'm sure you can appreciate, I was not in a position at the time to have any lengthy discussions or debates. And certainly not that loudly. By the way, in case you haven’t noticed yet, you forgot your attaché case in the checkroom. We noticed your plane ticket home was inside, and as apparently you didn’t make it to the conference today, I’ve taken it upon myself to have it delivered to your hotel. I believe you mentioned a few times that you were staying at the Sheraton. And because I do acknowledge the lengths you went to to come visit me, I've included a few specific notes and comments about your book as you requested. Perhaps we'll meet again under less restrictive circumstances. Cheers then. By the way, nice dress.

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

JILL

(trying hard to control trembling voice)

Hello, Professor Duncan, it’s Jill Roland. Since this number is on your letterhead AND my caller ID, I think I can safely call to thank you for your time without any further ridiculous insinuations that I am stalking you. I’m very sorry if there was any misunderstanding about my intentions or expectations. But anyway, I’m here at the airport and on my way home – two whole time zones away from you – so I just wanted to say thanks for sending my briefcase back with your notes on my book. Hope you didn’t go to too much trouble. So, umm, ‘bye. I’m going back home to marry my boyfriend Ted. He thinks I’m wonderful. It was very educational to see you again.

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

SUSAN

(between gritted teeth)

Neil – Susan. I guess there’s been some weird miscommunication. If you will look a little more closely at your e-ticket, you might notice that your flight to New York isn’t until tomorrow, and in one hour you are expected for brunch at the Trident Country Club!. Please call to confirm this message before I have more than five heart attacks.

CATHY’S VOICEMAIL

Sunday, twelve-thirty p.m. beep-beep-beep-BEEP!

SOUND:  AIRPORT NOISES IN B.G.

JILL

Me, Cathy. So, let’s just get this out of the way right now. Okay. You were right. You told me so. The party Friday night was such a disaster I didn’t even make it to the conference yesterday. He probably would have had security throw me out anyway. He wasn’t even the person I remembered -- except for maybe the leather trousers and the flecks of gray in his hair -- and he’s gained a little weight and getting a bald patch. But, oh, God, he was so arrogant and patronizing and treated me like I was just some nympho-groupie-slut there to get in his pants. He made some snotty comment about – about – well, I sort of forget what he actually said because I was a little buzzed by the champagne, and the caviar was making me kind of sick. I think it was about my dress, but whatever he said, it really pissed me off. But you would have been so proud of me, Cathy, because I told Professor Duncan off in front of everybody and just walked away with my head held high. And – and – oh – my – God. He’s here. He’s checking in at my gate. He’s … on my flight? Oh, no – he’s seen me! He’s looking right at me! Umm, Cath, I’ll call you right back from … somewhere else.

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

NEIL

Ms. Roland, Neil Duncan here. What an unexpected pleasure to see you across a crowded airport. I trust you’ve heard about the storm in the Midwest moving towards us. Apparently all flights are being delayed by at least two hours, so there’s some time to kill. You might be interested to know that, upon reflection, I reread your little book last night and would like an opportunity to revise some of my earlier comments. I’ll be in the First Class Flyers Lounge, level five, where the martinis are excellent and tend to make me more agreeable. Please join me for a drink. I’m buying. By the way, this offer expires at midnight and/or until one of us gets on a plane.

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

SUSAN

It’s Susan. This isn’t funny, Neil. Where the hell are you? I know you’re NOT on a plane, all flights are cancelled. And do you know how many people are pissed off at you at the moment – not least of which is me? For Christ’s sake, Neil, you normally have that damn cell phone positively velcroed to your ear – why are you suddenly ignoring it now?

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

NEIL

You cannot hide out in the ladies room forever. Please, Jill, come back to the table and let’s discuss this rationally. Besides, your frozen Margarita is melting, and I just ordered a Szechuan appetizer platter – oh, damn, another call …

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

JILL

Rational, my ass! It’s just a "little book" to you because you didn’t write it. My "so-called epic", in case you didn’t notice, happens to be written in verse – in so-called rhyming couplets, which YOU taught me how to write. The New York Times called it "lyrical and enchanting". USA Today called it "bold, daring, refreshing and utterly addictive". You called it "Harry Potter with sex – Debbie Does Dumbledore". What happened to you? I remember in the classroom you could be stern -- you could be scathing WHEN someone deserved it, IF someone deserved it. But you were never mean. And now, after all your paranoid innuendo crap from Friday, it’s very obvious that YOU’RE the one who’s following ME!

SOUND: TOILET flushing.

And THAT, Professor Duncan, is what you can do with your precious Szechuan pu-pu platter!

SOUND: WOMEN cheering her in B.G.

JILL’S VOICEMAIL

NEIL

You wanted me to notice you, I’ve noticed you. This is what you came all the way here for, this is what you get. Except it’s the real thing, the flesh AND the flaws and NOT the fantasy. Unlike the hero of your book, I will, from time to time, exhibit dreadful habits. I will inevitably say thoughtless, insensitive things at the worst possible moment. You will rightly accuse me of not listening to a word you say, and every moment I’ve spent near you I’ve spent thinking between my legs. If my three marriages serve as any sort of benchmark, familiarity WILL breed contempt. But I suspect much more so in you than in me, and much more quickly. In the meantime, I’ve already made the reservation for a hotel room at the Hilton, and it would be a terrible shame for it to go to waste, don’t you think? Let’s just stop all this unnecessary thinking. Let’s just hop in a cab right now and – what’s that line from your book – "go where we can sip champagne and drench black silk sheets with our sweat". You see? I am paying attention.

SOUND: THUNDER in B.G.

NEIL

Oh, by the way – call me "Neil".

TED’S VOICEMAIL

JILL

Uh, Ted, it’s me. During the layover at the airport, I met somebody who offered me an interesting opportunity for a collaboration, so I’m staying a couple more days to do some research. Things are changing. We’ll probably need to have a talk when I get back. But in the meantime, please don’t forget to water the plants. And it’s recycle day tomorrow. Thanks.

NEIL’S VOICEMAIL

SUSAN

Okay, Neil, that’s it – I’m through! Thirteen years I’ve been around to save you from yourself, but no more! From now on, when you feel like breaking a professional commitment and running off to Vegas to get married, you can explain it to your publishers yourself! Bastard! Thirteen years … thirteen years, and all the acknowledgement I ever got from you was holidays, vacation pay and dental! Oh, yes, she adores you now, but you just wait until –

AUTOMATED OPERATOR VOICE